Twelfth Beat

If your child listens to classical music:

• The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
• The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
• The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
• The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
• The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
• The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
• The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
• The Wagner Effect: Child becomes a megalomaniac. Speaks for six hours at a stretch.
• The Schoenberg Effect: Child never repeats a word until he has used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talk backwards or upside-down. Eventually people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.
• The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
• The Stravinsky Effect: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that lead to fighting and pandemonium in preschool.
• The Shostakovich Effect: Child only expresses themselves in parent-approved ways.
• The Cage Effect: Childs says exactly nothing for 4 minutes and 33 seconds. Preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers.
• The Glass Effect: Child repeats one word over, and over, and over, and over....

• me: *digs through 50 black shirts to find specific one*